How I ended up in the clamps
Posted: 12/16/2009 12:00:00 AM
After a lengthy battle with my nerves after hearing horror stories from my friends, I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I had never had one, and at 35 everyone was saying I just had to do it, so I went.
I was met with, "Hi! Im Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
Im thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This aint rocket science."
But before I could say a word, Belinda skipped away to prepare the torture chamber. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap! -- complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! Youre not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, dont be silly," the perky bimbo practically sang. "The doors wide open so youll have the emergency hall lights. Ill be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And thats exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, hows it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though Id been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and, making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....