Posted: 4/28/2009 12:00:00 AM
The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, its rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But thats not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumpers tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesnt matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from? you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didnt know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Dont ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. Its as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe thats going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - Youre done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say Where are the curtains? Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every empty roll dumper must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now youre wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isnt pretty, but youve gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isnt going to get any better. You wonder if youll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf. You realize youll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase Shit Happens really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours youd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump -- Youre just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when youre in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you cant reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part youve completed your dump, but theres one little morsel that refuses to drop off. Youre getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Whered it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? Youd better, because if you dont, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you dont know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Dont you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” Its claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didnt create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. Thats right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. Youve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend youre a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesnt seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, youre done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The worlds record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump thats going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, Ill take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.